ShopTalk with Abbi Normal

Dear Abigail,

I’ve been getting death threats lately. Or maybe they’re undeath threats? In either case, can a vampire become a ghost?

Sincerely,
Afraid to die (for real)

Dear Afraid,

Ghosts are the remnants of souls of those who have passed on. Sadly, since vampires don’t have souls, there’s no way for you to become a ghost. Hopefully the threats you’ve been receiving are just that, but to be on the safe side, please contact the appropriate authorities. In particulary, the Constabularius Corpus should be able to help.

Stay safe,

Dear Abigail,

Can animals become zombies?

Sincerely,
Worried about my pets

Dear Worried,

The nanovirus that started the zombie plague only affects humans, so your pets are safe! But please follow basic safety guidelines so that you don’t catch the disease. Pets don’t like the undead, and you would struggle to care for them as a zombie.

Your fellow animal lover,

Dear Abigail,

If your spouse becomes a zombie and is legally dead, does dating someone else count as cheating or adultery?

Just wondering (really!),
Curious Citizen

Dear Curious,

Legally, you are widowed and can date pretty much anyone. Morally, the jury is still out. Clergy of most religions could argue endlessly on this subject, but generally, the more conservative the faith, the more likely they are to frown upon dating someone new. Conversation and friendship are completely acceptable, though.

Not justifying anything,

Dear Abigail,

How can Christie’s Cranial Delights be both lab-grown and non-GMO? That seems like a contradiction.

Sincerely,
Skeptical Susan

Dear Susan,

GMOs are manufactured to grow in extreme climates and to withstand pesticides. They’re usually grown in a field. Lab-grown means that the product was manufactured in a laboratory environment. Genetic modification is not required to grow tissue in a lab.

Christie’s has informed me that they use a combination of stem-cell technology and 3D printing to create their brains, and that the genome has not been altered in any way.

I hope this helps!

Dear Abigail,

I’ve been seeing this human for a while now, but every time I drink her blood – no matter how much – my hands and feet turn blue. If I keep drinking, it spreads up my arms and legs. What’s happening?

Starting to worry,
Blue Blood Blues

Dear Blue,

First off, ask your human friend to find out if she’s anemic. If that doesn’t take care of the problem, then you might be experiencing an allergic reaction to your new friend’s blood. Currently, there are no products that treat vampiric allergies, but a thanatologist can help you figure out the best solution. Best of luck!

Keep drinking safely,

Dear Abigail,

I’m looking for a nice gift for my guardian angel, who’s been working really hard lately. But I can’t find anything. Why doesn’t the Paranormal Shopping Network advertise products for angels?

Thanks for your help,
Allied with Angels

Dear Allied,

Angels aren’t big consumers, unless they’re purchasing gifts for a non-angel. So there just isn’t a big enough market to support the infrastructure needed for angelic products. You could consider some service-based gifts, such as halo polishing or a wing massage. There are charitable boutiques that specialize in these services for angels, and making a donation to one of them will be sure to please your guardian.

Sincerely,

Dear Abigail,

I’m recently deceased and can’t stand the clothes I’m stuck in. Honestly, if I’d known I was going to die that day, I’d have worn something else! My hair sucks, too. Is there anything or anyone out there that can help me?

Need it badly,
Grungy Ghost

Dear Grungy,

You’re in luck! GeistCo recently released the app GhostLet, which allows ghosts to refresh their outfits as often as they like. It comes pre-loaded with several outfits, but you can buy more. New styles are added daily.

Not sure what we can do about the hairdo. I’ll reach out to Dr. Geist to see if her team has anything in the works. If not, it’s a great suggestion!

Send pictures of your new look!

Dear Abigail,

Recently, my husband’s mother became a zombie and had to move in with us. I don’t mind too much, as there’s a daycare nearby and we can afford the premium mail-order brains that keep her appetite in check. What’s really getting to me is the smell. Every time I come home, I want to retch. Do you have anything that can help?

Sincerely,
Nostrally Nauseous

Dear Nauseous,

Kudos to you for taking care of your mother-in-law during this trying time. The scientists at PSN are working hard to find a cure for zombie-ism. Until they do, try Christie’s Candles. They’re specially formulated to rid your home of the undead aroma, and come in refreshing mint, lemon or lavender scents as well!

Aromatically yours,

Dear Abigail,

I just moved to southern California from Seattle, and all the sunlight makes me sparkle like crazy. It’s really cramping my style. And I don’t want the girls to know I’m a vampire. Is there anything out there that can tone down the glitter?

Lurking in shadows,
Glitterglum in LA

Dear Glitterglum,

You should be proud of your glitter, and sparkling will actually help you blend in in Tinsel Town.  But if you’re really worried about it, try Matte Finish Sunscreen, from Fangceuticalz. They have a full product line dedicated to vampires who prefer a toned-down look.

Lots of Love,